Connect Four
by secretaryofsillywalks
Summary: Voldemort wants to play a game. Harry wants revenge. oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I don't own HP. **

**a/n: This is a oneshot for now, it may turn into something longer. **

**Please review!**

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Severus Snape watched through his sheet of black greasy hair as Harry Potter and his two sidekicks – the lovable and loyal Ron Weasley and the stereotypically smart strong woman, Hermione Granger – sat down in crimson covered chairs at the Gryffindor table, chattering away about whatever it was kids got up to these days.

He sighed; he really wasn't looking forward to this morning's events.

Snape stood abruptly and stalked toward the Gryffindor table, taking extra care to make sure his silky charcoal colored cloak was billowing sinisterly and scarily. The conversation in the Great Hall stopped as Snape stood stiffly behind Potter; His coal black eyes seemed to radiate heat as he glowered intensely at the back of Potter's head – which was covered in a tree-trunk brown mass of knots and disarray that made the ladies swoon.

All eyes were on them. All of them, from Draco Malfoy's aqua-slate colored orbs of delicious evil and Ernie's honey colored eyes which were full of warmth and pure happiness to Luna's deep-set, wide Air Force blue eyes like little pieces of ice, and Ginny's jealous burnt sienna colored eyes.

It was as if a spotlight was focusing on them, two men thrown together in a fight against fate and tragedy, like star-crossed lovers.

Hermione stopped her inane psychobabble about _Hogwarts: A History_, elbowed Harry sharply in the side, and raised her expressive eyebrows towards Snape. Harry slowly turned around, his hand still reaching for the peach-colored peach jam that he had been about to spread on his perfectly toasted toast.

"Why, hello Mister Fancy Pants Snape," He stated, his quiet commanding voice ringing through the hall. "To what do I owe this wonderful morning surprise?"

Snape sneered savagely, secretly satisfied with the shocked look on Harry's sidekick's face, as well as his impressive talent for alliteration. "No need for sarcasm Potter. I came to …deliver a message," said Snape in a carrying whisper.

The trio exchanged looks. Harry's Avada Kedavra-green eyes looking deep into Hermione's pools of liquid chocolate and Ron's red-fringed aquamarine orbs as if searching for the meaning of life. Harry briefly wondered when Hermione's eyes had turned such a yummy color, or when Ron's had suddenly become such a girly color, but ignored it. The faithful sidekicks nodded and Harry turned back to face Snape. The exchange took less than a second.

"Alright then. State your message," said Harry confidently.

"Great – alright then," muttered Snape, as he pulled a crinkled paper from his robe pocket, "The ratio of cake to people it too big."

"What?" Asked Harry, clearly flabbergasted by the cryptically dangerous message. Beside him, Hermione inhaled with such an intense force she snorted her bangers and mash. Ron snored loudly.

"Ahh, sorry. Wrong letter," Snape stated silkily as he reached a pale hand into his cloak pocket and pulled out an elegantly rolled scroll that was tied with a deep purple velvet ribbon, with gold accent stitching in the shape of rare 13th century Fleur de Lis. He unrolled it slowly, careful not to rip the top-quality parchment, all the while savoring the cool smooth feeling on his fingers. He was poor; he never had parchment this nice – the kind with watermarks and gold leaf borders. He cleared his throat and read from the silver-fleur embellished paper. "Lucius, AKA Staff Sergeant Max Fight Master, wants me to tell you that….that you should really spend more time with kids your own age, like his son, Draco, the big bad dragon."

Harry stared at Snape incredulously. "That's it? All that description of the parchment for that message?"

Snape shrugged, the author is allowed as much description as he or she wants. Especially in a parody.

Suddenly thick green smoke filled the air, interrupting Snape's musing, causing students to gag and emit cries of "HALP MEE!!11BBQ"

Harry and his friends covered their button noses with their button-up shirts.

The smoke slowly cleared as a shadow figure glided elegantly towards Harry.

"No Potter," said a dangerous yet no less than 300 ply Egyptian silk sounding voice said. "That is not all!" The smoke cleared completely revealing the figure to be a cackling Lord Voldemort.

"GASP!" cried Ron, fainting into the arms of Hermione.

Voldemort paid him no mind; instead, he sat down next to Harry. "What are you doing?" asked Harry stoically.

"Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria! I'm sitting next to you Potter, what did it look like I was doing? Making a daiquiri?"

Voldemort waited patiently for an answer.

"Oh... Guess that's not a rhetorical question…umm…no. No daiquiri making," murmured Harry, slightly embarrassed.

"Yes, well. As Lucius, aka Staff Sergeant Max Fight Master, has said, via Snape, you need to hang out with more people your own age. And me," Voldemort said as he rolled his eyes and pointed towards himself.

"I-what?" was all Harry could say. Voldemort's immense power was rolling off of him in ultra-violet waves, causing Harry to stare at the once handsome young man and drool slightly in awe.

Hermione, being the smart little witch she was, observed "There's…there's something different about you…."

Voldemort _silencio'd_ Hermione before turning back to look at Harry. Now that Harry thought about it, something was different about Voldemort... He shrugged it off as Voldemort got ready to enter monologue mode.

"Anywayyyy," Voldemort said as he fixed his new toupee, "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Voldemort threw a nasty glare at Hermione, whose hair caught fire from the sheer force of the glairiness of the glare, "We need to spend some time together. Soooo…I was thinkingggggg…." Voldemort twirled his toupee around in his hand.

Harry was suddenly nervous. It felt as if a thousand butterflies were mating in his stomach. He stared into Voldemort's crimson blood red scarlet eyes. "You were thinking…."

Voldemort looked warily at Harry. "Stop staring at me like that – you look like Jonathan Rhys Meyers." Harry turned his attention to the wood grain pattern on the table. "Good. That's better. I was thinking we could do something together."

Harry's eyes snapped back up. "What the hell could me and you do together?"

Voldemort let out a little giggle. This caused poor Harry Potter to gag and confused Ron. In the background Hermione was running through the tables screaming for help, because her ugly hair was on fire. Draco laughed a laugh that sounded as if pennies were jingling in a Prada handbag. Harry ignored her, but shot a suspicious glance toward Draco.

Snape looked at Voldemort in shock. "You're sick! SICK!" he screamed, pointing at his lord and evil master.

Voldemort looked over his shoulders, wide-eyed, before pointing at Harry. "Him?"

"No you fool! You! You've got a sick mind!" bellowed Snape in a whisper.

Voldemort waved his hands in the air (contrary to popular belief it wasn't because he was a true player or that he just didn't care). "Oh no! No! You've got it all wrong! It's not what you think!"

Snape paused in his accusations. "Oh thank Merlin!" sighed Snape, his hand resting on his manly bosom, "I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money."

Harry's eye twitched.

"Oh heavens no!" cried Voldemort. "We're going to play…CONNECT FOUR!"

"What!?" screeched Harry in horror and Ron in confusion.

Hermione sat down next to Ron, her hair smoking slightly. "Connect four, Ronald," started Hermione, looking patronizingly at Ron, "It a Muggle game in which a player must stack four of his or her pieces in a row, either vertically, horizontally, or diagonally."

Ron looked back and forth between Harry and Voldemort. "Well… suppose, I suppose it's okay if you go and play then Harry. Right 'Mione?"

Hermione blushed and looked away.

"Ron! I can't believe –"

"-It's not butter? I know!" interrupted Ron as he put margarine on his banana bread.

Voldemort huffed in the background. "You, Potter, are going to play Connect Four, whether you like it or not!" He grabbed Harry by his shirt collar and hoisted him out of his seat.

"I'll never!" shouted Harry bravely, shaking his fist in Voldemort's face. The crowd gasped and watched in anticipation.

"Why not? Is there something wrong with me? Oh god! No! How can I fix it?" Cried out Voldemort.

"YOU COULD START WITH NOT BEING A MASS MURDERER!" Bellowed Harry in his capslocky rage.

"All ready to go?" said Voldemort calmly, ignoring Harry's outburst. He replaced his monocle on his eye; it had been knocked off my Harry's powerful exhale of air.

"You know," said Hermione, her cheeks still pink, "You're not that bad for a mass murderer. You should go with him, Harry! It might be fun!"

Harry gaped at Hermione, his lover because Ginny is a big slutty slut. "Wha-"

"Thank you Herminnnynonyheyho. When I rule the world, your death shall come quick and painless," Voldemort said gleefully.

"Fine! I'll go." Harry sighed heavily. Voldemort grabbed him tightly from behind and was preparing to apparate away.

Harry patted his pockets. "Ah, wait! I forgot one thing!" Harry reached between the bowl of Fruit Cauldrons and Cocoa Vampires to pick up his long 18- inch wand. Ron's own hand snapped out and placed itself on Harry's wrist.

"Gadzooks, Harry, you can't!" cried Ron, crystalline tears welling up in his marble-y eyes.

Harry stared at his betrayer. "I can't curse the man who killed my parents and has been trying to kill me for, what, five, six years now?"

Voldemort huffed in annoyance. "Really, I thought you would have been over that by now!"

"Listen, Harry. Leave the wand, take the cannolis." Said Ron gravely before he nodded toward the plate of fresh cannolis. Hermione sighed wantonly. Harry nodded and picked up the snacks before turning back to Voldemort and briefly wondering where Snape went.

"I'm ready," Harry stated as he shoved four cannolis into his jeans pocket.

"Great!" smiled Voldemort as he clapped his hands together. "Come on, hurry now, Preston and Steve – I see your redheaded friend listens to them too - will be broadcasting soon and I don't want to miss it – they're doing their latest 'kill intern Joe' stunt today. Then we can watch gladiator movies!" Voldemort grabbed Harry by his ultra - thin wrist as Harry nodded vaguely and apparated them to a far away place where children never have to grow up. Riddle Manor.

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End file.
